10 Absolutely Ludicrous Conjectures about the Final Season of Game of Thrones

1.In a shocking twist, it turns out that Jaime is not the father of Cersei’s baby–it’s the Mountain! Their monstrous human/zombie hybrid baby will kill Cersei by tearing its way out of her abdomen like that scene from Alien, and strangle the attending Maester Qyburn with its own umbilical cord. It will continue its murderous rampage throughout King’s Landing until it falls into a sewer grate where it will be raised into adulthood by sewer rats, eventually becoming a horrifying Westerosi combination of the Penguin and Pennywise.

2. It turns out that Samwell Tarly is actually the human incarnation of the Lord of Light, finally explaining his inexplicable survival up to this point and the implausible resurrection of his best friend, Jon Snow. When Jon and Dany’s almost certainly ridiculous plan to defeat the White Walkers ultimately fails, Sam will save the day by absorbing the souls of the fallen. Bloated with sacrificial souls, he will roll his way into the middle of the army of the dead and explode into a ball of light, destroying the White Walkers for good, but vaporizing both Jon and Daenerys in the process, thus ending the threat of the Others as well as House Targaryen in one fell swoop.

3. With the Targaryen line officially wiped out and Cersei dead, the still-technically-married Sansa Stark and Tyrion Lannister will cast the Iron Throne into the sea, and replace it with a pair of sensible, but suitably ornate thrones from which they will rule the united seven kingdoms together, ushering in the greatest era of peace and prosperity Westeros has ever known. With two competent leaders running the Kingdom, Bronn, made Hand of the King/Queen, will do nothing of importance beyond representing the crown in the occasional trial by combat.

4. Having been officially pardoned, Ser Jorah Mormont will return to Bear Island, displacing Lyanna Mormont as its head. Unsatisfied with the demotion, Lyanna Mormont will join up with Podrick, Brienne of Tarth, and Reek to rescue Yara from Euron Greyjoy, killing him and stealing his ship. From there, they take to the high seas, righting wrongs, kicking ass, breaking shit, and generally being awesome. Reek will seclude himself in the ship’s cabin, being seen by no one and communicating only as a disembodied voice through a vent in the wall. Podrick will remain to row the getaway boat on landing missions.

Reek’s Angels

5. Having lost two more sovereigns with the vaporization of Daenerys and Jon Snow, Davos will go into business with Varys. Together they will open the kingdom’s very first public relations firm. All of their clients will die horrible deaths.

6. Arya Stark will finally cross all of the names off her list. She will then disappear into nothing, revealing the fact that she died in Braavos after that time she received multiple stab wounds, and had been a vengeance-seeking ghost in service to the many-faced god ever since.

7. The Hound and Jaime Lannister will spend the rest of their lives as miserable drunks frequenting the Crossroads Inn trying to out-brood each other.

8. After a night of particularly heavy drinking, Tormund will wander into what he believes to be Brienne of Tarth’s bedroll for a night of passionate lovemaking. The sobriety of the following morning will reveal his mistake–but on the plus side that story about the bear will now be true.

9. Bran will finally embody the Three-eyed Raven. Nobody actually cares what that means.

10. Grey Worm and Missandei will return the Island where Missandei was born, where they will live happily ever after. BECAUSE THEY DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

And this is probably the last I’ll post about Game of Thrones, at least until April. And now I’m off to shovel snow… again.

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